"Natural Velvet" St. Helena, California, 2009

Today I was thinking about honesty and realized something probably most people already know, but that I never quite got. It’s not honesty in the big things that’s hard. It’s honesty about the small things that is difficult to master. And, maybe it’s hard to be honest in the small things because we think well, a little lie about something small is easier to deal with than the truth, and maybe a little lie doesn’t matter. But those little untruths are the very tools that chip away at the foundation of ourselves. And the inability to be truthful when it comes to something big is almost more understandable to me than the inability to be truthful in the small things. Because a lack of honesty in the minute shows a lack of character and in a way is an attempt to passive aggressively control. And where is the maturity in that? Where is one’s foundation? Where is the respect for those around you?

I guess what got me thinking about all of this is the dramatic difference I feel in my life these days. I was in a meeting this morning and found myself so relaxed and happy and realized this has a lot to do with me choosing to be me and not trying to appease those around me. It’s something I’ve heard for a long time, “be yourself.” And this choice to share my truth even in the face of opposition doesn’t come from a place of arrogance but a place of strength to choose not to try and control others by pacifying them but to let them know who I am and to allow them to make their own choice about how they feel regarding me. And the more I choose to stand up for myself the stronger the foundation beneath me feels. Of course, there is no honesty without respect, and maybe for the first time in my life I’m respecting those around me enough to be honest with them no matter what, and maybe that’s because I’m respecting myself for the first time, too.

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